


feels like i feel too much

by pinkvalentines



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Character Study, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:01:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25027369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkvalentines/pseuds/pinkvalentines
Summary: Someone could break but then again, someone can come in and make you feel better about yourself. That's exactly what happened to Jen.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Kudos: 34





	feels like i feel too much

**Author's Note:**

> i just wanted to analyze Jen and how the Ted mess started, progressed, and ended.  
> title from 'numb' by pet shop boys (as usual; i think the song really suits Jen in my opinion)

Jen meets Ted after high school, him being a local musician and Jen a college freshman. They sort of hit it off, like they could maybe be something in the future? No need to think of the future if you’re living in the present, right? Jen decides that’s true. She dates him, transfixed on the idea of dating a musician. She immediately hates his mother, getting off on the wrong foot with one snide remark. It doesn’t matter though, she loves him. No one could interfere with their relationship, though Lorna tried to. 

A year later, her mother dies from breast cancer, sort of young, almost fifty. That broke her, left her alone. Jen thought she’d fight through it, but the cancer had spread too far, far beyond help. She’d never cried so much in her entire life, angry that the cancer killed her mother. After the depression wave lifted up, Jen compartmentalized her emotions, leaving up the harsh, angry exterior to avoid feeling vulnerable and  _ weak _ . Suffice to say, it stayed up for a long time, never letting anyone know how she truly felt. 

A few years later, they discuss marriage. They plan out the whole wedding, a big one by Jen’s decision. But as soon as the wedding day approaches, Jen feels more nervous day by day. It’s just the wedding day jitters right? No one prepared her for this big day, so it’s normal for her to feel this nervous. The wedding turns out well and exciting for the newlyweds. They enjoyed the big day. 

A few years down the road, they have Charlie. Jen had been so ecstatic that she had a baby, but sad that she had to face motherhood alone, no maternal guidance to help her. But she didn’t let that get to her, no. She was a working mom, because her husband was down on his luck as of recently, so he’d help with the baby. She was so happy for her child to have such a great father, someone that he’ll love forever. They had made a small family, something cherishable and  _ theirs _ . 

Add a few more years, Jen has Henry. She decides it’s her last child, being almost 35 when she has him, a slight strain on her aging body. But she loves him as equally as his older brother. She relives the child caring phase again, with help from Ted of course, they work like a child team. It just doesn’t feel the same to her, like something  _ shifted _ between their relationship and the pregnancy. 

But then it feels like something crumbles inside of her. She’s at the doctors months later and they tell her that she’s more prone to breast cancer due to her genes. It hurts to hear, she thought she’d skip it, but genetics can’t be easily modified. Jen tells Ted and he instantly feels horrible for her. She tells him that she’s getting a double mastectomy, to avoid any complications that could occur with the developing cancer, and tells him that she’s lucky that it’s caught early on, before it can truly affect her body. He sighs at that, claiming that she doesn’t have to. They argue over her choice. In the end, Jen schedules a follow up appointment with the doctor to plan out the surgery. 

The mastectomy goes well, healing will take time but knowing that the cancer isn’t there leaves her happy. Her children don’t have to see her suffer like she saw her mother suffer. They help her more than her own husband, he doesn’t even sleep in the same bed until two months after the surgery, claiming it’s to help her or whatever crap he spews. It really left a deeper scar than the surgery did, how could he not want to sleep with her? She won’t mention it until a few months later, out of curiosity and numbness. He did help with the showering and kids, a godsend because she was too weak to do it herself. 

When she does mention the lack of comfort, he shrugs it off as thinking she might need her own space to heal. Jen is appalled by that. The woman went under the knife for the sake of her health and here he is claiming that she might not want any type of physical contact after said operation. What kind of fucked up person is he? Jen spits back comments that make him rethink the situation, so he then accommodates to her needs, only to not upset her even more. 

The first time they try to have sex, after the mastectomy, it’s disappointing. He barely looks at her, spacing out because the scars are huge and unsettling. Jen thought he wouldn’t mind the scars, that he’d enjoy her like the past, but that statement proves false. Hell, Jen could barely look at her chest without tearing up and here he is disgusted by the sight. He was  _ repulsed _ by that. After the awkward sex, Jen locks herself in the bathroom, sobs out because of course she noticed that something changed within her husband. It didn’t matter how hard she cried, he didn’t go and comfort her. 

She’s faced with the realization that maybe the relationship can still go on without sexual intimacy. Partners do it all the time so maybe it could work with their relationship? At first it’s okay, she tests out the water, it’s safe. But more than a year later, it proves difficult to keep up because she misses the sex. Jen tries again, this time accommodating to his wants, leaving the bra on so he won’t see the nasty scars and it works. But it’s not what she likes. Guess it’ll be pushed down for the time being. 

Fast forward a couple years, Charlie is a teenager and Henry is a growing boy. She loves them so much, feeling happy for them. The relationship between her and Ted is straining by the day, he won’t look at her the same way that he did when he first knew her, like she is just someone that lives in the same house as him and not his wife of 10+ years. 

The night of his death was a lot for the both of them. Jen was fed up with the lack of attention, so being annoyed, she talked about it, trying to be collected about it; it proved wrong. It turned into a yelling rage with Jen, bringing up the past to prove her point. But as soon as she heard the real reason as to why he never touched her, she had never felt so insecure in her life. Feeling like nothing, feeling like a disposable person. He hated the sight of her, hated the scars, though he claimed to have tried to get over it but he didn’t. Jen didn’t know that one part of her body could make him feel that way, feel so disgusted with herself. She storms out of the bedroom, down the stairs, and into the kitchen, needing to breathe and get away from the man who claimed to have loved her for less than 20 years. He follows suit, trying to explain the mess he made. The words didn’t process through her head, she let him speak but didn’t listen to what he said. It aggravated her, knowing all that information that was kept from her. 

She punched him, the anger building up until she snapped, she needed him to leave. As soon as he left the house, she spit out curse after curse, spewing hatred towards him that had never been there until that moment. Jen was about to walk up the stairs when she saw Charlie staring at her, shocked beyond words at what happened. They both say nothing, what would’ve there been to say. She goes to the bedroom, lays in the cold bed, and sobs before sleep drags her away. 

The day after the big fight Jen finds out about his gruesome death. She pushed him away, to the point of death. Jen thought that he ran to Lorna, knowing that’s what he always did if things got out of hand, but no. His life was taken away by a hit and run killer. She was numb, feeling the same way that she did when she had the surgery. Like nothing could possibly cheer her up anymore. She called the local mortuary and scheduled the funeral, all on her own. Mainly because it was her fault that he ran away and got killed, guilt building up as the planning process took place. 

The funeral was two days later, it surprised Jen though, she thought it would take longer. It was a closed casket, his body disfigured beyond recognition, and because she couldn’t even bring herself to see the sight of her dead husband. It’d been a foggy day, rare for the coastal city, some of Jen’s family members were there, to show support for the new widow. It didn’t matter really, people kept telling her how sorry they were for Jen, she was getting kind of tired of it honestly. If only they knew why he died, maybe they’d turn on her or maybe not? Whatever, he was gone and Jen was so tired. 

The drinking became an issue soon after Ted had died. The occasional drink, maybe once a month, turned into a weekly thing that then rolled out into an everyday drink. Jen wouldn’t consider it an issue, she didn’t abuse it like an alcoholic would, but it got to the point where she was almost dependent on it. The alcohol washed away any anxieties and stress from the work day. She’d criticized people who take pills but she also had a problem, so it was a bit hypocritical of her to state that. Jen didn’t think it’d get to this point, so low on herself that she’d drink away the problems only to be faced with them in the morning. Well at least she had a high tolerance to the alcohol, not that it matters. 

About a month later, the pastor that officiated the funeral contacted Jen, to see how she was apparently. That’s weird. He told her that he has a grief support group, to heal and to vent. He mentioned that they meet once a week at a park. Jen decides that maybe it’s good for her, only because Chris pushed her into joining the group after she talked about it to him. A week later she finds herself driving out the location, to see what good this is for. There, she meets this hippie woman, clearly too excited to be at a grief support group, who then gave Jen her phone number. Odd. That night she calls Judy, because the tiredness isn’t there. After the hour long phone call, Jen decides that she likes Judy. 

Two weeks pass, Jen attends most of the group meetings. She’s growing to like her and it’s weird for her, being a closed off person that most wouldn’t want to befriend. Judy also likes her, expressing gratitude towards their friendship. Jen visits Judy at her workplace and practically begs her to move into her dead husband's music studio/ guesthouse. Only because she partially takes pity on the younger woman, hell she lived in a hospice care facility. The move in was rather quick, mostly because the only possessions that Judy owned were clothing and some crystals. Jen would’ve never done this for anyone else, so why was Judy  _ different _ ? For once, she feels happy, like the happiness could last. 

The friendship between them grew strongly, Jen willing to defend Judy under any circumstances, something sparks in Jen that's never been there before, at least not with Ted. However, she finds out about the cheating and decides he’s the sum of the earth, a bit eased that he’s gone but it doesn’t take away the grief. Judy also defends Jen in uncertain circumstances, she lied and covered up for Jen. Judy didn’t have to but she had to in a way, to help Jen. The blonde had never been so thankful for someone like her. She just waltzed right into Jen’s life and now lived together but Jen’s swears it’s just to help her. Not like something most definitely sparks in her. 

When Jen finds out about the make and model of the car, she feels so excited to be able to confront the killer. Like she could just burst into happiness with the idea that the person is out there and that she’ll be able to put them in jail. Nothing could ruin her flow. 

Except that Judy could. She confessed to the murder of Jen’s husband. All the happiness and joy that Jen felt towards Judy turned into pure, cold rage. She couldn’t believe her ears when she heard Judy talk about the crime. She had grown to trust this woman, claiming to have a good judge of character, but it all crumbled down. Jen thought no one could ever lie that big but Judy sure proved her wrong. The thing that hurt the most was the fact that Jen was growing to love the woman. Jen told her to die. 

Then she has to show up at the open house. To ruin her fucking day. Yet again, Jen tells her to die. Not feeling ashamed in her words, anger overcoming any sensible thoughts. That night, another fucking person had to show up and ruin her night. Jesus when will people not invade her house? Never mind that, Steve is now floating in her pool, dead because of her rage. Funnily enough, she calls Judy back into her life, almost funny because hey, they’re even now (though Jen will never mention that to Judy). 

Murder isn’t the best, and she feels horrible that she lied to Judy about how Steve died. It wasn’t self defense, hell, Steve could’ve killed her and  _ that _ would’ve been self defense. But she felt that Judy wouldn’t have taken it well, that she would leave Jen and  _ that _ is what scared her the most. She grew to rely too much on the other woman who wasn’t even the parent to her children. She couldn’t bear to be apart from the woman, needing her to stay in her life. Judy does. 

It’s strange, the presence of Judy in her life had changed her outlook on life. The woman, who she thought she’d hate for the rest of life, tells her to forgive herself and to find self confidence. Jen mentioned how the mastectomy made her feel disgusting so Judy tried to make Jen feel better about herself, giving her compliments and affection. She’s still amazed that Judy is back in her life. To normal people, they should be enemies but they’re not. They experienced things that make them gravitate towards each other, like a magnet to metal. They formed a strong bond, within the months of knowing each other. Jen wouldn’t trade it for the world. 

This bond was starting to shift into something more than just friendship. It shocked Jen, scared her shitless because something that she thought she knew about herself was being rediscovered. Maybe it was the fact that Judy now slept in the same bed as her dead husband, maybe it was the fact that they co-parent together, maybe it was the fact that they are  _ always _ together. Whatever it was, their relationship was changing, tension becoming thicker because no words are being said aloud. 

Jen decides to talk about it, not really surprising herself that Judy would feel the same way. She has to keep telling herself it’s  _ real _ , it’s really real. They are something now, their relationship flows easily. Maybe that’s just how these relationships worked out, communicating easier and actually telling the truth. She wouldn’t be anywhere else but with Judy. Jen knew that. They depended on each other and loved one another. 

Jen finally found her person. And with that, found love with herself.

**Author's Note:**

> as always, thanks for reading <33  
> follow me on twitter @petshopbovs


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